The Cost of Looking for Friendship at Work

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Stop trying to make friends and focus on the work.

I noticed early on in my Corporate America life that personal relationships were destroying the work.

These “friendships” at work were causing people not to speak up when a friend didn’t get the project done on time.

They were also causing too much focus on “culture” instead of results.

Does that sound cold? That depends on your intentions.

I believe in relationships. I believe in building teams when it is purposeful. I also believe in human connection.

However, I have noticed for decades now that many companies are burning their bottom lines because they focus too much on the people and not enough on the mission.

I have made hundreds of acquaintance-friends over the years through work and business, and over a dozen of those have turned into meaningful friendships in my personal life.

Those meaningful friendships are the kinds of relationships that I invited to my wedding reception, take trips with, and celebrate with.

However, the crossover from “we work together” to “real-life friend” was hard-earned.

When I built a roster of over 30 clients that I was in daily communication with, I had over 1,000 people who knew me and had direct access to me on some level through the organizations I contracted with.

People wondered how I did all of that work myself without missing deadlines, but the answer for me has always been simple.

I wasn’t going to lunch with coworkers, spending time complaining about our boss, sitting through meaningless meetings, or absorbing the latest gossip in the break room.

I was focused on the work.

Is being a solopreneur lonely at times? Yes.

However, I also had plenty of lonely moments as an employee.

Over time, I realized something important.

I didn’t want work to be my primary source of social fulfillment.

I wanted work to be my primary source of professional fulfillment.

Those are two very different things.

I wanted the people I worked with to respect me.

What I didn’t want was for them to see photos of me drinking and dancing at 2 a.m. on a Friday night with my close friends, which is why I didn’t accept Facebook or Instagram requests from people I worked with (no matter how much I liked them).

People may tell you that they love and respect you, but they are going to have a hard time seeing the “professional you” and the “personal you” as separate.

It all gets melded together into one feeling of who you are.

I also didn’t want to talk about work all the time, which is ultimately the one subject that always seems to gravitate back into conversation when we hang out with colleagues.

The simple truth is that work is not a great environment for lasting friendships.

Furthermore, surveys show that most friendships in a workplace don’t survive after someone leaves.

When I work with people, I want to earn their love and respect because of my work, not because I am trying to be invited to their birthday party.

Do I care about them? Am I kind to them? Do I want them to win in life?

Yes, yes, and yes.

But that’s it.

I am there to get work done, to have success on the project, and to make sure everyone is rewarded accordingly.

If you are bleeding time and energy, wondering how you could possibly create more time for focused work, and are subconsciously feeling imprisoned by the need to be liked by those you work with, it may be time to remember why you took that role in the first place.

You didn’t go to a job interview and tell them, “I’m here to make lifelong meaningful friendships.”

You talked about your experience, education, and salary range.

It’s the work.

It’s the mission.

Can meaningful friendships come from work?

Absolutely.

Some of the most important people in my life came from the workplace.

But they became friendships because trust was earned, respect was built, and time proved there was something deeper than a shared employer.

The work came first.

The friendship came later.

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